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Acockolypse Now 12-03-2013 01:10 AM

Acock's SEC Wrap Up: Week 14
 
Holy hell what a week! Rivalry week is always fun, but this one had the added bonus of divine intervention or some sort of biblical plague, depending upon how you look at it. The result was a muddling of the national title picture and a total of 10 bowl eligible SEC teams! Don't get too cocky though, the ACC had eleven. Although, I'm sure that 6-6 Pitt and Syracuse would have fared just as well in the SEC.

Right.

Anyway, on to the carnage...

Game 1: Mississippi State 17 Ole Miss 10 OT
Yes, this is the team that we hung our hopes on to upset Missouri. Ole Miss has been a streaky team this season. 3 wins, 3 losses, followed by 4 wins and 2 losses. Strangely enough those streaks tend to coincide with when Ole Miss was playing good or crappy teams. They do have quality wins over Texas and the LSU Bipolars, so there's growth there. MSU manages to win its second overtime win in a row, thereby ensuring that Dan Mullen gets at least one more year in Starkville. Not sure if that's a reward or not. How ugly was this game? MSU held the ball for 47:48 and only managed 296 yards. How, exactly, do you do that? Stand still for 4 minutes at a time? I'm baffled.

Game 2: #17 LSU 31 Arkansas 27
What the hell happened to LSU this year? They went from beating Auburn by 14 to struggling to get past the worst team in the West. Les Miles' thoughts were obviously elsewhere, dreaming of that last forkful of Thanksgiving day feast, all cobbled together from the detritus of each section of food... a intoxicating mixture of turkey, cranberry sauce, gravy, congealed salad, and stuffing. What the hell were we talking about? Much like Les, I've lost track.

Game 3: Georgia 41 Georgia Tech 34 2OT
Yeah, we get it Georgia, you've had some injuries. I can't imagine having to play your in-state rival with a backup quarterback and without your full running back corps. Yeah, that would be awful. JUST KIDDING GEORGIA, WE DID IT LAST YEAR AND DIDN'T NEED TO GO INTO DOUBLE OVERTIME TO BEAT A TEAM AS BAD AS GEORGIA TECH. You know Georgia, if you don't respect yourself anymore, at least respect the conference.

Game 4: Vanderbilt 23 Wake Forest 21
Vandy, we need to talk. If you're going to do things like beat Florida, Georgia, and Tennessee in a season, which we're fine with by the way, there are some things you simply cannot do...like almost losing to an ACC doorstop. Wake Forest gained a whopping 266 yards all total on you, didn't score an offensive point in the second half and STILL almost beat you. With that type of defensive showing you should have drug their ass up one side of the field and down the other. As usual though, Jordan Matthews accounted for more than 1/3 of your total offense. Unless you have some offensive firepower waiting in the wings you might want to take a look at how Florida did this year. Consider it a preview.

Game 5: #2 Florida State 37 Florida 7
What do Nevada, Bethune-Cookman, Idaho, and Pitt all have in common? If your guess was that they all gained more total yards against FSU than Florida you're correct! Godspeed Brent Pease, may you end up in a paradise that involves first downs and forward passes. The rumors are that Muschamp is looking to hire someone with a similar offensive philosophy for their next offensive coordinator. I'm not convinced that he understands how football works.

Game 6: Tennessee 27 Kentucky 14
It's difficult to wrap your head around just how bad Kentucky was this year. They finished at the bottom of almost every meaningful category and showed a creative ability to lose in new and exciting ways almost every week. As Joker Phillips said... "They wasted their money, hell, I could have done that..."

Game 7: #5 Missouri 28 #21 Texas A&M 21
Maybe now people will start to acknowledge that Missouri is pretty damn good this year. Their defense shut down Johnny Football, and their offense managed to get it done even on an off night. Unfortunately for Gamecock fans it means that for the 3rd straight year they've beaten the SEC East champs only to watch them play in Atlanta for the championship. So there you have it SEC East teams, if you want to go to the SEC Championship game, make sure you lose to South Carolina first.

Game 8: #10 South Carolina 31 #6 Clemson 17
To be fair to Clemson, the fact that they could walk directly to the field from the locker room probably confused them. USC's offense confused them even more by randomly mixing in runs, passes, wildcat formations, and quarterback draws just to really punch them in the gut. Spurrier toys with Dabo the same way a feral cat toy with a baby bird. Bat it around, bite it a few times and then finally kill it when you get bored. Tahj Boyd has also developed a fairly sophisticated defense mechanism. When threatened he throws the ball to a USC linebacker and plays dead. Isn't nature fascinating?


Game 9: #4 Auburn 34 #1 Alabama 28
What can I write about this game that hasn't already been written? Auburn's last two games are living proof of the divine, either as a revelation of divine power and intervention into the every day lives of men, or as an exercise in demonic powers that can only point to a Zoroastrian duality between good and evil that ultimately reveals a divine being. Either way there's no way to account for Auburn's miraculous fortune other than a biblical show of force. For you Auburn fans that think this proves that your are divinely backed I would remind you that it's possible that you are only the chosen instrument of God's wrath, visited in turn on Georgia and Alabama for past and present sins. Such instruments can be cast aside or destroyed for God's own purpose. Don't say I didn't warn you.

As another writer mentioned this week, Auburn somehow got Alabama to kick the winning touchdown for them. For those that like to give credence to the Saban to Texas rumors, what better F-you to 'Bama fans could Nick have given them than this?

Final Regular Season Power Ranking
1. Auburn (11-1)
Next up Missouri: At the beginning of the year, I had Auburn tapped to be the most improved team in the SEC. I mean they had bench-loads of talent, and they'd hired the guy that knew most of the players and had the system the talent was most suited for. Still, I had them pegged for 8-4, which is closer to what they would have been had Baby Jesus not decided to War Damn Eagle.

2. Missouri (11-1)
Next up Auburn: Okay, I'll be honest, I did not see that coming. Yes, Missouri was beat up last year, but not so much that they should have this kind of turnaround. Mizzou fans might want to enjoy this moment, I've seen their last few years of recruiting, this might be a limited engagement at the top.

3. Alabama (11-1)
Next up Bowl Game: Three teams finished the SEC at 11-1. I'm bad at math so I wasn't sure that was possible. Still, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 'Bama. Suck it. Yes, I'm a little bitter that Alabama has an 11-1 season and feels bad about it. We're one game away from throwing a damn parade. I would encourage Nick to take his coaching skills to Austin, Texas. It's fun there, and they don't fire coaches for crapping the bed.

4. South Carolina (10-2)
Next up Bowl Game: South Carolina has gone 30-6 in the last three years, but managed to somehow miss the SECCG each year. That's got to be some kind of record.

5. LSU (9-3)
Next up Bowl Game: I wanted to rank them lower, but there was really nobody left to rank above them. LSU's football season is not unlike watching someone drive a tank through a crowded mall. Unpredictable, powerful, with no demonstrable sense of control it would produce enduring visuals, spectacular explosions, and wild mayhem before ultimately ending in failure.

6. Texas A&M (8-4)
Next up Bowl Game: Yes, they lost, but I refuse to rank them lower than Georgia. Losing to Missouri in a tight game is worth more to me than beating Georgia Tech in double overtime. The sound of screeching tires you hear is Manziel getting the hell out of College Station. Sumlin's end of the year deal means that for better or for worse they are stuck with each other. With the money flowing into that place, the facilities they're building, and their cult-like following ATM is quickly becoming the SEC equivalent of Scientology.

7. Georgia (8-4)
Next up Bowl Game: If you look at their schedule, and look at who they lost to, you could almost say this was a good season. BUT THEN VANDERBILT.

8. Vanderbilt (8-4)
Next up Bowl Game: So why didn't I rank Vanderbilt higher? They beat UGA head-to-head didn't they? They did, but UGA is their lone quality win, and they struggled with Wake Forest. Next year is going to be interesting. Franklin loses a lot of talent this year, but last year and this year's recruiting classes have serious talent in them. Mix that with the SEC's easiest schedule (if you don't believe me look it up) and Vandy could be the dark horse team of the East next year.

9. Ole Miss (7-5)
Next up Bowl Game: In my opinion, the jury is still out on Freeze. He's made some obvious improvements from last year, but this year's recruiting doesn't quite match last year's haul. Rising up in the West past 'Bama and LSU is a tough job and I'm not sure Ole Miss has the resources to do it. What's worse is that Ole Miss actually declined as the year went on. Lose the bowl game and they could limp into 2014.

10. Mississippi State (6-6)
Next up Bowl Game: Congrats MSU, you won the Egg Bowl! What does that get you? A shitty trip to Legions Field to get smacked around by Houston or some such equivalent. Huzzah!

11. Tennessee (5-7)
Next up NOTHING: Are UT fans happy with Butch Jones? Maybe, as there are signs of life here and there. They took a weakened UGA team to the wire and got a signature win against the "lets-crap-the-bed-once-a-year" Gamecocks, but other than that it was pretty bleak. After the SC win, they were 4-3 with legitimate hopes at going bowling and disrupting the SEC East race. They did neither, falling into a tailspin that only was saved by a season ending game against Kentucky. Butch has a monster recruiting class coming in, but without a much better result on the field next year I could see the fans getting restless.

12. Florida (4-8)
Next up NOTHING: Never has so little been done with so much. When the ashes have settled from the dumpster fire, when the smoke clears and cinders are all that remains of the once proud program, Will Muschamp will don a Georiga cap, snug it upon his head and mount a white stallion. He'll tip his cap, flip a silver dollar to a small child standing nearby, mouth agape, and say "my work here is done," before riding into the sunset.

13. Arkansas (3-9)
Next up NOTHING: They actually played very tough at the end of the year. I have no idea why. It was a tremendous amount of fun to watch Beliema fumble around the SEC, sticking his foot in his mouth and generally getting used like fresh fish in a maximum security lockup. Pig Sooey indeed.

14. Kentucky (2-10)
Next up NOTHING: Would have fared well in the SWAC this year. They should let Kentucky and NC State play in a very special bowl game to determine who exactly is the worst BCS team this year. I'm rooting for you, Wildcats!

Well, that's the final SEC Wrap Up of the year. I'll do a special Bowl Season wrap up and final ranking once that silliness is all finished.

It's all over so quickly.

spareparts 12-03-2013 12:21 PM

Re: Acock's SEC Wrap Up: Week 14
 
82 views and not one comment about how badass this is.

Thenardier 12-03-2013 12:47 PM

Re: Acock's SEC Wrap Up: Week 14
 
Loved the Zoroastian mention

Acockolypse Now 12-03-2013 02:08 PM

Re: Acock's SEC Wrap Up: Week 14
 
I get no respect.

TKE226 12-03-2013 02:20 PM

Re: Acock's SEC Wrap Up: Week 14
 
3 years of beating the SEC east champ and sitting at home the first week of December....

Spur's Addiction 12-03-2013 04:50 PM

Re: Acock's SEC Wrap Up: Week 14
 
Nice as usual.

Except for the cat-bird analogy.

Acockolypse Now 12-03-2013 06:41 PM

Re: Acock's SEC Wrap Up: Week 14
 
Would you prefer a crocodile/zebra analogy?

Although, crocodile's don't really slap zebras around before killing them.


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