Forgive me mods, I posted this in Smack Talk as well, but since I know a lot of folks don't visit Smack I wanted to post it here as well so others would see it.
It's not smack really, just a little harmless fun.
I was wondering which drinks best represent SEC football programs. Here's what I came up with:
Alabama: Old Fashioned
A refined veneer that hides a brutally efficient killing machine. Don't be fooled by the bitters or the sweetness of the sugar cube, the Old Fashioned is about business. Much like Alabama football it's about delivering violence in a package approved for family events and corporate takeovers.
Auburn: Ward 8
Lemon juice, orange juice and grenadine are used to mask the taste of rotgut whiskey. This is Auburn Football.
One and half ounces of 100 proof whiskey dangle precariously over watered-down American lager. Eventually the tipping point is reached, forcing whiskey and beer into an unholy mixture that nature never intended. It must be consumed all at once.
Surprisingly potent drink. Only effective at night in Louisiana.
Mississippi State: Mudslide
Creamy, beige. Often refreshing, but can occasionally hurt you if you're not careful with it. Prone to resulting in stomach aches.
Ole Miss: Purple Jesus
Oh, I'm sure you thought it was going to be a Hotty Toddy, whatever the hell that is. No, much like Ole Miss football, Everclear-fueled PJ exists for one reason and one reason only; to facilitate binge drinking and blackout drunks.
Texas A&M: Vodka Red Bull
Ungodly effective, but only really understood by those that drink it. Results in brief moments of blindness and random heart arrhythmia. Prolonged group exposure leads to cult-like behavior and a penchant for drooling.
Florida: Black Label Beer
Surprisingly effective in mass quantities and famously cheap. Can be enjoyed on a hot afternoon while wearing jorts. Enormously popular in the 80's.
Georgia: Mint Julep
Easy on the palette, the sugar and mint make you drink more than you should. Sneaks up on you and hammers you when you're not looking. Always looks better than it actually is.
Seems sophisticated but Gin mixed with Vermouth is damn near undrinkable. Those that drink it will lie to each other and wince as they sip it down, trying to convince each other it's actually good. When you're finished with it all you get is an onion.
Missouri: Amaretto Sour
Tangy, with a hint of almond. Is enjoyable enough, but no one ever orders it. Leaves a funny taste in your mouth.
South Carolina: Mezcal
You have to want to drink it. Bitter and briny, it's an acquired taste usually cut with other alcohol. In it's pure form can cause moments of euphoria mixed with visions and hallucinations. Drinking it is often followed by regret.
The meth of alcohol. Can cause blindness, usually the result of illegal activity, and extremely potent in it's purest form. Drinkers will happily tell you how it isn't as good as it used to be.
Ridiculously expensive for what you get. To create one you chill one rocks glass with ice while mixing a sugar cube with bitters in another. Add rye whiskey and stir to combine. Empty the ice from the first glass. Pour the absinthe into the glass and swirl to coat the sides of the glass. Any excess absinthe is then drained. Pour the rye/sugar/bitters mixture into the coated glass. Twist a lemon peel over the glass and rub the rim of the glass with the peel. The peel can be discarded or placed into the cocktail.
In other words, not worth the trouble.