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Old 01-10-2014, 07:11 PM   #1
1st Team All-SEC
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Default The SEC As A Crew Of Criminals

Got this from another message board:

The SEC as a crew of criminals:

Vandy is the mastermind. We all secretly look up to him, and although he isn't the strongest or fastest, he helps keep our reputation slightly above "common street thugs".

Florida is the getaway driver. Normally he'd be right in the thick of it, but he's in a wheelchair at the moment. Vandy rigged the van up with hand controls, though, so it's all good. Florida brags that they helped plan the heist too, but it was in crayon on the back of a Waffle House placemat.

Auburn and Alabama break the doors down and subdue the guards, and then they bicker about who did it better while putting each other in headlocks.

LSU is the twitchy guy that stands by the door, constantly scanning for the cops and looking frantically at his watch. Mississippi State used to be the lookout, but he couldn't grasp the concept that he was only supposed to ring the bell if he actually saw the cops.

Georgia picks up a really nice diamond necklace, and thinks he's going to get it home, but he trips and drops it and it smashes into a million pieces on the floor. Georgia sobs, "So close again, damn it!" Florida sees it and smirks, then rubs the sore spot on his arm where Georgia sucker punched him earlier.

Ole Miss never got out of the van. He's just sitting there twirling his old-timey mustache, musing about how he could be the boss if he was in a different crew.

South Carolina was on board, but then Tennessee made a funny joke about him and he got all butthurt while we were going over the final plans, and now he's just sitting shirtless on the couch back at the safehouse, completely wasted, sexting Florida's ex-girlfriend.

Tennessee was all amped up about how this was finally going to be his signature heist, but he crapped his pants before he even got in the van and wasn't allowed to come. But we still let him talk about that one really good heist he pulled 12 years ago.

Kentucky was shooting hoops in the driveway while the rest of us were plotting, and honestly I don't think he even cared if he got a cut of the loot or not. He has March circled on his calendar, even though it's August.

We let Mississippi State come along and hold the shotgun. We didn't tell him it wasn't loaded. He's aiming it at imaginary bad guys, whispering "Pow, gotcha sucka!"

Missouri is one of the new guys. The meth habit worries us, but he seems legit. He loves to brag about how he's part of our crew now, and he even tattooed the crew logo on his chest (huge, gaudy thing), but he hasn't embarrassed us yet so nobody really minds.

Texas A&M joined us last year. He's better than we thought, but we can't shake the feeling that he misses his old crew, and we're pretty sure he's plotting against us.

Arkansas... crap, has anybody seen Arkansas?
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