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Old 04-09-2013, 12:35 AM   #1
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Default Torn

I'm at a crossroads of sorts in my life. I'm 24 and have been dating my girlfriend for three and a half years and have lived with her for the past year. She wants to move from Columbia to Houston (her home town) and I am willing to move, however, I don't know if it will be with her. I love her a lot but don't know if she is "the one". Part of me wants to take this as an opportunity to branch out and get a new job in a new town and start again and date some more to find the perfect girl for me. The other part of me wants to move to Houston and keep what we have going... Part of the reason she has been unhappy and not as lively lately is because she is over Columbia and not having many friends here anymore and not much to do and is getting homesick being away from her family for six years. I think moving will definitely make her be more positive and bring a spring back to her step, so to speak. I have been told by friends who were in similar situations to break it off if I have second guesses about her, but we have been through a lot and it would be very hard to get over, but I guess it is a part of life.. Making tough decisions like this and this is probably the hardest decision of my life thus far.


This has been weighing on my mind like a ton of bricks, so any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.... By the way sorry for the long thread, but I feel this could help to get some outside perspective.
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Old 04-09-2013, 08:39 AM   #2
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Default Re: Torn

Song kinda works for both of you

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Old 04-09-2013, 08:44 AM   #3
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Default Re: Torn

That's a tough one. You know the old saying: If you love it, set it free. I think if you do move it should be to be with her. Not use her as a throttle to date others.

just my .02.
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Old 04-09-2013, 08:57 AM   #4
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Default Re: Torn

24 is awful young to get married. I did meet my wife when I was 24 but we got married when I was 29. I moved from Charleston to Charlotte for her and never thought twice about bc I knew she was the one.

Moving half way across the country when you're not sure is a big leap.

What if you let her move and see how you feel when she is away. Absence could make the heart grow fonder. However if it feels like a weight has been lifted when she is not around then you know that it was it right and it is time to move on.
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:05 AM   #5
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Default Re: Torn

Sorry man, had to do it.....


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Old 04-09-2013, 09:10 AM   #6
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Default Re: Torn

That's pretty tough. When my wife and I were at a point (not having to do with re-locating) where it was kinda "poop-or-get-off-the-pot": I told her I needed a break, for a week. I took that week off went hunting all I wanted, went to bars other nights to sample what life had to offer. After the pre-determined week, we met up. I missed her like crazy and knew I didn't want to be without her.

Things had gotten pretty stale between us up until then. I still wanted my seat of my pants bachelor life, she was getting tired of me doing that. After being apart (amicably) I found out she was it for me. We got engaged 4 months later.

If I were in your shoes and she was unhappy in Columbia, I'd tell her to go ahead and go back, and you'd look for work while staying in Columbia (I guess working where ever you work now?). If you find something and want to move, take the job. If not, the time apart could make it clear whether she's it or not.
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:12 AM   #7
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Default Re: Torn

Cuts both ways indeed. I have some Indian friends who have been married for 50 years. It was a traditional arranged marriage and they had no choice in the matter. It has worked out very well for them. Must have taken a lot of work though. My point is that there is no perfect person for you. Even if there were the person you marry tomorrow will change dramatically over the years. Be realistic. Expect challenges and problems. Enjoy trying to overcome them.

Then again, it is evident that your heart just isn't in this. In any conflict between brain and heart the heart will always win. Follow your gut. There is no deadline. Maybe moving with her will give you new perceptions of her, good and bad. Just don't get married. Use birth control. Make sure she does too. Many a man has been trapped via the pregnancy ploy. Jut go with the flow and see what happens.

Whichever way you choose to go it is imperative that you be honest with her. Share your doubts, hopes, and fears with her. This is the only path that is fair to you both. Also, consider putting a time limit on things. Say 1 to 3 years. Not making a decision is making a decision indeed.
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:15 AM   #8
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Default Re: Torn

That's a long move for you to be unsure.
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:25 AM   #9
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Default Re: Torn

Is she a yuppie girl?

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Old 04-09-2013, 10:52 AM   #10
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Default Re: Torn

If you have any doubts don't do it....I couldnt do it man im to close to my family I would miss them to much...but good luck to yall!
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Old 04-09-2013, 11:43 AM   #11
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Default Re: Torn

if mama is in houston, ye be sunk
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Old 04-09-2013, 12:59 PM   #12
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Default Re: Torn

Tough situation to be in. I would think that 3+ years of dating and living together for a year would be enough to know if she's the one. Of course, I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with her so there could be something not making you sure. I would say that you need to spend some more time weighing out the options and outcomes before deciding on anything. Like someone else posted, the most important thing is to be open and honest with her. Good luck to you.
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Old 04-09-2013, 02:30 PM   #13
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Default Re: Torn

I really appreciate all of the advice y'all have given me. My only option is to sit down with her and let it all out. I'll see what comes out of this. The hardest part for me is getting the conversation going and being 100% upfront with her even if the truth is painful to deal with.
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Old 04-09-2013, 05:12 PM   #14
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Default Re: Torn

If you're having any doubts, don't do it because those doubts will only get larger later on.
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Old 04-09-2013, 05:29 PM   #15
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Default Re: Torn

My standard advice: things that are small issues whe you're dating (even living together) become much larger issues after you get married. If you have doubts after four years, there's probably a good reason why. Proceed with caution.
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Old 04-09-2013, 05:38 PM   #16
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Default Re: Torn

Breaking up >> Divorce.
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Old 04-09-2013, 07:29 PM   #17
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Default Re: Torn

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Yancey View Post
Cuts both ways indeed. I have some Indian friends who have been married for 50 years. It was a traditional arranged marriage and they had no choice in the matter. It has worked out very well for them. Must have taken a lot of work though. My point is that there is no perfect person for you. Even if there were the person you marry tomorrow will change dramatically over the years. Be realistic. Expect challenges and problems. Enjoy trying to overcome them.

Then again, it is evident that your heart just isn't in this. In any conflict between brain and heart the heart will always win. Follow your gut. There is no deadline. Maybe moving with her will give you new perceptions of her, good and bad. Just don't get married. Use birth control. Make sure she does too. Many a man has been trapped via the pregnancy ploy. Jut go with the flow and see what happens.


Whichever way you choose to go it is imperative that you be honest with her. Share your doubts, hopes, and fears with her. This is the only path that is fair to you both. Also, consider putting a time limit on things. Say 1 to 3 years. Not making a decision is making a decision indeed.

Wise words!
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:04 PM   #18
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Default Re: Torn

I'm with everybody that has said to stay put for a while and don't move. If you knew 100% this is the girl for you, then you wouldn't be questioning a move at all - you'd be happy to go with her without hesitation. The fact that you're unsure should be a red flag.
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:58 PM   #19
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Default Re: Torn

If she was the "one" you'd know it without a doubt by now.

As someone already said - if your heart was 100% with her, your brain wouldn't stand a chance. You're 24, still a young guy.

Sit down with her, be 100% honest with how you feel. If she loves and respects you and your emotions she won't be angry with you. Probably hurt because it won't be what she wants to hear.

An ex and I would do something when we had conversations of this sorts, we called it the "10 second rule." Before we said anything to each other we had to think about what we were going to say or what was said by the other so as not to blurt or say something out of a knee jerk reaction. It really helped us through some tough conversations.

Sounds kind of strange coming from someone who used it with an Ex, so I'll explain it quickly. I caught her cheating on several occasions, she lied many times to try and cover it up. I tried to do the Christian thing to do, forgive her - show her my love for her and she'll come around. Well, that never happened so I had to cut my losses and get out.

Hope my advice helps. Best of luck to you both.
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Old 04-09-2013, 10:05 PM   #20
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Default Re: Torn

When in doubt, don't. By letting her go, you will quickly discover if you can't live without her. Give it three months. Both of you will benefit. Twenty four is really young. 35 is the new 50!
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