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Old 08-22-2013, 07:15 PM   #1
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Default A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

This may be a book many of you have read before. However, I am reading it now for the first time. It was written by Barbara Coloroso and it's called kids are worth it! The idea behind it is to treat kids with love and respect rather than punishment and rewards in order to discipline them and allow them to learn from their mistakes and become independent thinkers.

I grew up in a brick wall family where love is conditional and it's my way or the highway. My parents weren't violent but it was a polite dictatorship in which feelings were suppressed and they were in control. As a parent, I am seeing myself do these same things and it's now how I want to parent.

I've read half the book (I've got two kids under the age of 6) and want to change my habits and parenting style. It really is going to take some re-wiring of my brain and unlearning the way I grew up but I see the positive benefits of this. I'm very much wrestling with things and trying to wrap my head around it. It's not difficult but different than how I grew up and the way I think.

In no way does it make parenting an easy task. It's hard regardless. However, I love the approach. Anyone ever read this book or have any feedback on it or your own parenting styles?
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:33 PM   #2
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

Oh yes, never punish your kids.

It will turn out great.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:36 PM   #3
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

When I "punish" my kids, I am showing them respect because I want the to learn about consequences for actions.
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Old 08-22-2013, 08:10 PM   #4
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

Coloroso is highly thought of in the professional and educational communities. Her programs are not pipe dreams; They have delivered measurable results. While no one approach to parenting or educational discipline can be the end all and be all modalities Her program delivers short and long term results that also provides cost savings.
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Old 08-23-2013, 10:54 AM   #5
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Coloroso is highly thought of in the professional and educational communities. Her programs are not pipe dreams; They have delivered measurable results. While no one approach to parenting or educational discipline can be the end all and be all modalities Her program delivers short and long term results that also provides cost savings.
I'd like to see the empirical evidence and a longitudinal study to back that claim up
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:50 PM   #6
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Oh yes, never punish your kids.

It will turn out great.
There is a huge difference between punishment and discipline. Discipline allows them to learn from their mistakes and take ownership of the problems they create. Punishment sends messages that their behavior is not acceptable and they will be punished for it. This says a lot about your love for them (conditional based on behavior) and affects their image of themselves.

Read the book. It makes a lot of sense.
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:56 PM   #7
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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There is a huge difference between punishment and discipline. Discipline allows them to learn from their mistakes and take ownership of the problems they create. Punishment sends messages that their behavior is not acceptable and they will be punished for it. This says a lot about your love for them (conditional based on behavior) and affects their image of themselves.

Read the book. It makes a lot of sense.
Um, you can't just say by punishing someone for an action that your love is conditional. That is implying that if you punish someone you don't love them (even if just for the duration of punishment). That is blatantly wrong. You can definitely love your child and punish them to correct behavior. Whether people chose positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, or a mixture, is up to each parent (to the extent it doesn't break the law).

I put my dogs face in her poop if she poops inside. I love my dog. I haven't punished my daughter (17 months old) yet, because well, it wouldn't make any sense to her. But she will get spanked, which is a punishment (not discipline).
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:26 PM   #8
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Um, you can't just say by punishing someone for an action that your love is conditional. That is implying that if you punish someone you don't love them (even if just for the duration of punishment). That is blatantly wrong. You can definitely love your child and punish them to correct behavior. Whether people chose positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, or a mixture, is up to each parent (to the extent it doesn't break the law).

I put my dogs face in her poop if she poops inside. I love my dog. I haven't punished my daughter (17 months old) yet, because well, it wouldn't make any sense to her. But she will get spanked, which is a punishment (not discipline).
Again, I urge you to read the book and see in greater detail what I am talking about. Have I punished my child? Absolutely! However, I do see a difference now between discipline and punishment. Something you have to remember here - you and I may see something as punishment and we know we love our kids. However, how does the child view it?

When we punish to control their behavior to make them act like we want them to, that sends a message that our love is conditional. Here's the real kicker - abundant praise and rewards can be just as damaging as punishment. It's not radical thinking here but the idea is to focus on the problem, let your child take ownership and solve the problem, and encourage and assist the child, and leave their dignity in tact when you're done.

When you punish or reward, what is your motive? You are telling your child how you want them to behave. You're not addressing the real problem. If your child hits another kid, you may send them to time out or spank them. You are telling them their behavior is not acceptable. However, what is the problem? Letting your child learn that hitting isn't acceptable! They need to LEARN from their behavior and how to fix that problem, not be punished or rewarded for how YOU want them to behave.

Maybe this seems very subtle or like I am splitting hairs. However, punishment is about what you want while discipline is about what they need and helping them address their problem. Again, I urge you to read the book before you draw conclusions. With a young child, it's worth taking a look at to see if you agree or disagree.
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:46 PM   #9
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

Your child is 5 years old and he throws his bowl of cereal against the kitchen wall because he doesn't want it.... PLease tell me what you do in this case and what would be the Punishment scenario and the discipline scenario
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:00 PM   #10
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

Continue to give him bowls of cereal. He will eventually get hungry and realize that throwing them is wrong. Make sure to carefully clean up the cereal and not complain about it.

You may also want to compliment him on his aim and his arm strength. Positive reinforcement is important!!
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:49 PM   #11
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Your child is 5 years old and he throws his bowl of cereal against the kitchen wall because he doesn't want it.... PLease tell me what you do in this case and what would be the Punishment scenario and the discipline scenario
Punishment -> Spanking
Discipline -> They have to clean it up

And my problem (which you repeated) is that during PUNISHMENT your love is conditional. That is not correct, regardless of whether or not 'its in a book'. Punishment does not mean your love is conditional. Plenty of chillren have be punished that are unconditionally loved by their parents. Some books definition does not override what unconditional love is.
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:53 PM   #12
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Punishment -> Spanking
Discipline -> They have to clean it up

And my problem (which you repeated) is that during PUNISHMENT your love is conditional. That is not correct, regardless of whether or not 'its in a book'. Punishment does not mean your love is conditional. Plenty of chillren have be punished that are unconditionally loved by their parents. Some books definition does not override what unconditional love is.
Again, I state. It's not what YOU think about punishment. It's what the CHILD thinks about the punishment. Your intentions are to teach him a lesson. He may not see it that way.

Again, read the book then get back to me. I will see if I can find some specific examples to share.
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:55 PM   #13
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Your child is 5 years old and he throws his bowl of cereal against the kitchen wall because he doesn't want it.... PLease tell me what you do in this case and what would be the Punishment scenario and the discipline scenario
I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old - Here is what we do: Make them clean it up and they go hungry until the next meal.

But Every child is different and Every parent is different. There is no one correct way to raise a child. What works on one child may not work on the other in your family. Or what works for one parent may not work for the other.
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:58 PM   #14
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Your child is 5 years old and he throws his bowl of cereal against the kitchen wall because he doesn't want it.... PLease tell me what you do in this case and what would be the Punishment scenario and the discipline scenario
Quite honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out. It makes sense to me when I read it. However, what I would do and maybe what I should do are two different things. I grew up in a different type of family (what the book calls a brick wall family). I've got to re-wire my brain and do things differently. It's going to take some time for me. Let me think about this and get back to you (again, this isn't second nature for me yet - I'm working on it).

Let me ask you this. How would you want to be treated as an adult? What if you did something childish or made a mistake at work? Would you want your boss to yell and scream at you, tell you what you did is wrong, and shame you with a time out or some other punishment? The key is to treat a child as you would want to be treated. So think about that.

Many times, the way we punish our children we would hate if it were done to us. They are young and fragile and we help shape them. There is a way to discipline without tearing them down and making them feel horrible about themselves or making them conform to our standards. The key is getting them to address their problem and take responsibility for it.
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:05 PM   #15
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

OK found a good example related to the bowl. I will give you the scenario and how three different types handle it.

Problem: A 3 year old drops a glass after you have repeatedly admonished him to be careful he insisted on using rather than a plastic one. Glass is now broken.

Brick wall: "You klutzky kid. I swear, you are going to use plastic ones for the next thirty years. Get out of the kitchen right now and spend time in time out to think about what you did."

Jellyfish " Move out of the way, sweetie. Be careful, you might get cut. Mommy made a mistake. I gave you a slippery glass. It is mommy's fault. Here, let me get you a new glass and let's add chocolate to the milk for a treat. I'll pick up the mess."

Barebone "You have a problem. I know you can hdnle it. Run get a paper bag. Child holds the bag while you pick up the glass. Hand him two plastic cups and say "Which of these would you like to use?"

First one tears down and demeans the kid. Second makes it all mommy's fault and not the kids. Neither teach the child that they did something wrong. Last one addresses the problem, gets the kid to help, and leaves his dignity in tact.
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:08 PM   #16
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

4 steps of discipline/problem solving.

1. Show the child what he/she did wrong.
2. Give her ownership of the problem - state what the issue is, tell her she can handle it.
3. Give her ways to solve the problem - have the child come up with ideas how to deal with the problem (needs to be age appropriate, child may need help)
4. Leave dignity in tact - no screaming, putting down the kid, or anything that makes HER the problem (rather than the incident)
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:25 PM   #17
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

best book i've encountered on the topic is this'n:




emphasizes targeting the why behind every right/wrong action, emphasizes discipline over punishment (argues all of parenting is some sort of discipline, whether corrective, instructional, etc...) and emphasizes honesty and self-discipline. this is, as the title suggests, operating from a Christian perspective.
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:30 PM   #18
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

I think people try to make parenting seem harder than it is.

1. Be a good example for your kid.
2. Love them unconditionally and let them know you love them that way.
3. Teach them right from wrong.
4. Support them when they fail.
5. Give them opportunities.
6. Correct them when they're wrong, teach them that actions have real consequences
7. Don't be a dick.
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:45 PM   #19
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Originally Posted by Acockolypse Now View Post
I think people try to make parenting seem harder than it is.

1. Be a good example for your kid.
2. Love them unconditionally and let them know you love them that way.
3. Teach them right from wrong.
4. Support them when they fail.
5. Give them opportunities.
6. Correct them when they're wrong, teach them that actions have real consequences
7. Don't be a dick.
Great! Tony Dungy has some good ideas too: http://www.allprodad.com/
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:06 PM   #20
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Default Re: A great book on raising kids - kids are worth it!

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Originally Posted by Acockolypse Now View Post
I think people try to make parenting seem harder than it is.

1. Be a good example for your kid.
2. Love them unconditionally and let them know you love them that way.
3. Teach them right from wrong.
4. Support them when they fail.
5. Give them opportunities.
6. Correct them when they're wrong, teach them that actions have real consequences
7. Don't be a dick.
Pretty much sums it up
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